School, Separation, and Loss

Waiting for the school bus

C waits for the school bus.

It’s not been easy for me to accept that the twins are going to separate schools now. C seems fine with it, while M pleads with us to let him go to C’s school. I guess it represents for me an undeniable divergence in their life paths. While I’ve come to accept that this is what’s best, it still pains me.

Upon reflection I realized why: I lost my younger brother when I was just a little older than my boys are now. Despite my young age at the time, I’ve always felt the void left by his death.

I’ve had dreams where he’s reappeared, sometimes as a grown man, others how I remember him last. His absence has been a fundamental part of my life’s reality. Call it survivor’s guilt or whatever you like, I know what it’s like to lose a sibling (two, actually), so I have to remind myself that this isn’t the same thing. My boys aren’t losing one another. They’re just spending a few hours a day apart.

Maybe the absence will bring them closer. Whatever the case, this is what has to be for now.

2 Comments

  1. Wow. That’s got to be tough for you, for them. Yet I predict it’ll pass soon – maybe quicker for them than you 🙂

    Post again as time goes along. I’m always curious to see how they are doing through your eyes.

  2. Your reflection, Michael, touched me. The combination of the gravely traumatic experience with your younger brother at an early age, the mirrored age of Colin and Martin, and the recent loss of a second brother, all collide in your angst in this experience of your twins being separated in their schools. (maybe angst is not the correct word as much as it might be anxiety). Either way, your emotions resonated! I am happy you are using this blog to express yourself, and that there are respondents who provide feedback that may provide a degree of support you and others with similar challenges might need. Your sons are gorgeous looking little boys.